Why Self-Care isn't Always Enough

I'd like to continue the conversation we started last month about self-care. If you missed that convo, you can catch up on it here. The short of it is that most of us are still somewhere in the process of growing into long overdue self-care habits, and it can be a struggle not to feel guilty or "selfish" when you allow yourself to focus on tending yourself and your needs. In last month's conversation, I offered some tips and practices for overcoming inner resistance to practicing self-care, so that you can receive the gifts of self-love.

Today, though, I want to discuss what seems to be a growing misconception about self-care. It feels like there's a common idea that self-care is all you really need for healing. But the reality is that self-care isn't enough. We also need community care.

As humans, we are biologically wired as social creatures. We were never meant to live in isolation, and our nervous systems are coded with impulses and sensors that require external stimulation and activation in order to be fully healthy and in balance. Because we often have more control over our self-care (whatever that looks like for each of us personally) than over how other people interact with us, it's easy to try to focus on just healing via self-care.

And self-care IS indispensable. I'm a huge, huge advocate for the transformational power of self-love and taking self-responsibility for meeting your own care needs. But. Self-care alone is not enough.

Relational wounds need relational healing. Other people contributed to the harms that you suffered, and therefore, other people have an essential role to play in your healing. We cannot heal our heart-wounds in total isolation. Part of the healing process requires us to be held, witnessed, supported, and loved by others.

Where can you receive this healing love and connection? That will look different from person to person. The attunement you need can come from a variety of sources: friends, family of choice, biological family, professional colleagues, a therapist, your hobbyist friends, a faith community or other volunteer/cause community, and so on. There's no "right" or "wrong" here. Just an encouragement to not put too much pressure on yourself to be able to resolve all your hurts and heartaches independent. In order to heal, grow, and evolve, you need care from both yourself and others.

So take the risk. Seek out the therapist. Ask a good friend to hold space for you. Be vulnerable with the colleague that you intuitively know you can trust. Join the recovery group. Love yourself. And let yourself be loved.