As a culture, we're slowly growing into the concept of self-care! Although clichés such as "put your own oxygen mask on first" or "you can't pour from an empty cup" have been in circulation for at least a couple of decades, it's taken a long time for the practice of self-care in daily life to become less stigmatized and more accepted as a necessary and wise part of living.
That being said, most of us are still growing into our own rhythms of self-care and finding our way forward with making decisions that reflect our personal needs, desires, and boundaries.
It's not easy.
Late stage capitalism embedded in us a sense that our value is tied to our productivity, and this often creates a sense of being "not enough" whenever we feel we are not being "productive." In addition to that, those of us raised in religious or cultural environments that idealize sacrifice and suffering feel guilty about choosing options that support our mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual health (aka, options toward more ease and well-being). Even when it comes to healing trauma or tending our bodies in times of physical illness, we often feel like we should be able to do our self care AND keep up with business as usual.
What I'm saying is that feeling restless, anxious, or guilty when you try to rest or self-care is a common challenge. My goal today is to offer some tools and perspectives for you, so you can develop guilt-free self-care habits.
Perspective #1: Think of self-care as taking turns.
We teach children the concept of "taking turns" from the time they are quite small. Whether it's a toy, a piece of playground equipment, a special outing or activity with an auntie or grandparent, or sharing the celebratory limelight of birthdays or special events, we seek to instill in children the idea that it is good to share AND that through the practice of sharing, they will also receive the goodness that is appropriate for them to receive. Then, however, because of the social indoctrination that we experience, as adults we begin to live as though it is always someone else's turn and that we never get a turn.
But that's silly. When we were kids, we would never have stood for that. It's not fair, and it's not necessary, and it's not kind or appropriate for you to never get a turn. It's good and right for it to be your turn sometimes.
It's not selfish for you to get a turn. When you give yourself your own attention or allow yourself to use resources (time, money, support from others, etc.) for your own well-being, it's not selfish. It's just you getting your turn. And that's nothing to feel guilty about.
Perspective #2: Care for the world by caring for you.
This is a bit of a philosophical foray, so open your mind and maybe there can be something in this for you.
Eastern philosophies often treat "self" as illusion, emphasizing instead the "oneness" of all things. Some recent scientific findings seem to corroborate this perspective of self as a projection or an interpretive lens for navigating the world, as opposed to an independent, objective reality. (If you want to nerd out about this a little more, you can start with this article.)
What this means in practical terms is that every good thing you do for your "self" also supports the inter-connected web of Life. In other words, when you are happy, that increases the sum total of happiness in the world. When you are healthy, the world is healthier. One of the most effective ways of changing and bettering the world is by bettering the piece of the world that you have the most influence in: your own life.
In "A Brief for the Defense", poet Jack Gilbert writes "We must risk delight...We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world." When we face the griefs and injustices that are present in the world, we sometimes feel a sense of guilt about enjoying good things personally. But it is actually because so much suffering exists in the world that we must value joy, delight, rest, healing, ease, and tenderness and commit to being a conduit for bringing more of these energies into the collective experience. Just as we are impacted with the pain of suffering from the collective consciousness, so we can be healers within the collective simply by tending our own lives gently and compassionately.
(If you want to discuss this more personally and sort out how this applies to you personally and can support your healing, you can schedule a coaching session with me!)
How can these perspectives help you personally?
I have an exercise for you to try.
Exercise: Practice Suspending Disbelief
While you're still learning to release guilt around self-care, it might help you to intentionally practice suspending disbelief. What does that mean?
Suspending disbelief means asking yourself "what if ____ was true?" We suspend disbelief in order to enjoy movies or fiction--especially fantasy, sci-fi, alternate worlds, or alternative histories and timelines. We allow our brains to temporarily accept a certain proposition as true.
So when you start self-caring and you begin to feel guilty about it, try asking yourself, "What if me taking a nap actually helps the ceasefire efforts in Gaza?" or "What if me planting flowers actually supports the reforestation efforts?" or "What if me playing with my dog actually empowers the fund-raising efforts for endangered species?"
What are the causes you care about? And how can you rest and self-care in ways that match the energy of what you want to see happen in the world? Build your self-care routines around your heart causes and allow yourself to channel positive intention and energy to them through your own life practices.
(Once again, if you're wondering how this could work for you personally, you can schedule a coaching session with me and I'll help you figure out how a strategy for making this work for you.)
I'm going to be wiring more about self-care and the collective in the next post too, so stay tuned!
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