If I asked, “how well do you know yourself?” I suspect that most of you would say something along the lines of “pretty well.”
But what if I then started asking you, “What makes you feel satisfied? What are your hopes and dreams? What’s something that you’re afraid to admit even to yourself? When was the last time you felt truly satisfied and content? What do you really want from life?”
What would you feel then?
A study done byThe Eurich Group revealed that while most participants in the study considered themselves to be self-aware, only 10-15% of them matched the criteria for self-awareness.
To dive into this topic a bit more deeply, it might help to have a working definition for self-awareness.
Oxford Languages defines self-awareness as “conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.
To expound on that a bit more, in A Theory of Objective Self Awareness, psychologists Shelley Duval and Robert A. Wicklund say, "Self-awareness is the ability to focus on yourself and how your actions, thoughts, or emotions do or don't align with your internal standards. If you're highly self-aware, you can objectively evaluate yourself, manage your emotions, align your behavior with your values, and understand correctly how others perceive you."
This definition hints at the fact that there are at least two main facets to self-awareness: internal and external. Internal self-awareness is your ability to know your own inner world with clarity and interact with it in a way that matches your value system. External self-awareness is your ability to accurately gauge how other people see you and to engage in appropriate ways that also align with your value system. (When external self-awareness is overdone, it can tip into what we commonly call self-consciousness and exhibit as debilitating people-pleasing.)
Self-awareness grows as we take the light of consciousness and turn it inward with curiosity. When we engage in inner exploration with honesty, courage, and kindness and seek to know ourselves, the self-awareness that results is actually a gift not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. Because the better you know yourself, the more deeply, accurately, and compassionately you can know other people. A shallow knowledge of self leads to common relational woes like projecting, conflict avoidance, inadequate communication, codependency, and much more.
Basically, if you can’t be present with yourself and your own emotions, complexities, and struggle points, then you definitely aren’t going to be able to show up and be present for others in an authentic way.
Many of us want deep, healthy, committed, loving relationships with those around us, but rarely spend time cultivating that kind of relationship with ourselves. This oversight truncates our ability to build relationships with others and contributes to the widespread epidemic of loneliness in modern life.
So why aren’t more people working to build their self-awareness?
Well…as nearly anyone who has spent time in therapy will tell you, the process of getting to know oneself can be scary and intense. In addition to that, cultivating a healthy relationship with yourself also takes a good bit of time, intention, and attention. In our over-scheduled, over-working, and overwhelmed culture, the path of least resistance is usually to keep living in survival mode, getting through each day on autopilot.
The brain finds it easier to deal with familiar discomfort and disappointment than to face the prospect of change, even if that change could lead to greater happiness.
Thankfully, as conscious beings, we have a choice in the matter. Despite our brain’s default settings, we have the ability to start choosing and co-creating a different reality for ourselves.
It’s true that the journey to self-awareness, to inner knowing and healing and compassion, can be intense, but it’s also extremely rewarding and fruitful.
And it can start small.
With simple shifts.
With gentle questions.
With the discovery of useful tools and resources.
With the support of a friend, relative, coach, or therapist.
With the bare intention to start listening to your own heart more.
This is the path to self-awareness.
This is the path to reconnection.
This is the path out of survival mode and into life.
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